happy new year!

cautiously, i’m looking forward to 2021. it’s not naivety; i know the rolling of the clock from one arbitrarily-numbered year to another isn’t going to change anything that’s going on right now. it’s desperately clawing hope from the jaws of misery because if i’m going to have keep dragging this ambling human frame forward for another year on this hellish orb i’m going to need to look forward to something, goddamnit.

naturally, 2020 was a load of shit, but there were good things that happened this year. i got engaged. i graduated college. i even got legally married, though i’ll admit it doesn’t feel quite real without the pomp and circumstance. the world, and subsequently my life, is ticking forward bit by bit. this passage of time is still frankly terrifying to me; i have no faith it’s going anywhere good, on a personal or global scale. the things i want to change stay the same and the things i want to stay the same change. there’s multiple times this year i just sat staring at the cieling thinking “yep, this is the end of the world,” with varying degrees of sarcasm and grip on reality.

but it wasn’t, not yet. time has not stopped, history has not ended, and the clock ticks forward another year. every year i make resolutions, and every year i’m afraid none of them will come to pass, that my dreams as usual will pass through my fingers like sand. i can’t remember the resolutions i made last year – but looking back, i must have completed some of them. and if not, at very least i can say i survived – which, as overly sentimental as it much sound at this point, is an accomplish all it’s own. maybe next year i can do something else, too.

anyway. that depressing shit aside, i have pretty straightforward resolutions. this time around i’m avoiding “concrete” goals, because in my experience that makes me feel more like shit and i abandon them so much faster. if i tell myself i’ll write x words a week, or dedicate x amount of time to something each day – no matter how low, i will inevitably fall below this mark at some point and beat myself over it. so despite this being against the advice of every self help guru i’ve ever heard, i’m keeping my resolutions vague and flexible, so i have more chance of actually feeling like i can tick those boxes at the end of the year. productivity is fake, actually, but i need the illusion of it to justify my existence to myself – you know how it is.

  1. do shit for maho days. big shocker, right? i’ve only been saying i’d finish it for over five years. my current plan is to try recreating it as a visual novel, which some of you have no doubt seen me babble about before (i say, like people are reading this.) it’s a lot of work – sprites, backgrounds, rewriting – but i think it would work for the story a lot better. besides, having lots of different venues to jump around in might make it easier for me to get things done when i get blocked in one area or another.
  2. get my website up and running. this place is a hot mess right now, i know. but i like web design, and the idea of having my own site really does make me happy. i don’t know everything i want to put here, or if i’ll keep this domain name, or anything like that… but really, building the platform so i can use it as things come to me is the most important part. maybe that means i’ll use this blog more regularly for some purpose too!
  3. go to therapy you fucking fruit loop. i’ve been stewing in my own shit for too long, i need a professional. preferably one that actually helps. protip to future me: you can increase the chance of them actually helping you by actually fucking opening up to your therapist half as much as you do to the weeping void that is the internet. i know, it’s a wild concept.
  4. interact with my friends more. i’m notoriously bad at this and have social complexes out the ass, but i know having closer relationships with my friends and not ghosting them when i have an anxiety spiral would help.
  5. all the career shit i was going to do in 2020 but like with less governmental shutdown this time. of all the things i planned to do last year but failed, this one is the least my fault. i know there’ll still be virus-related issues, but this year i seriously want to find a decent enough job that i can stick at long enough to get some sweet, sweet reference letters, which i can then send in during sept for my application to JET 2022. if a good job is too hard to find, i’m considering also sacrificing time to volunteer – both to feel like my time has meaning, to help our crumbling world, and because i need those fucking letters. have i conveyed just how i am terrified of the mere concept of asking someone for one? it haunts my nightmares. i’m dreading this more than anything else on the list. and i need two of them. dear lord.
  6. take care of my health better. i already covered my mental health, but my physical health hasn’t been great this year either. i have insurance now, so checking out what’s wrong with my body and taking steps to make my life generally hurt less would be great. this ties to the unspoken resolution, “don’t fucking die, ok”
  7. but most importantly, be yourself and have fun :^) no but unironically though. for all my bullshit, i am garbage at just letting myself exist. i’m always questioning myself and dithering and sitting things out. this year i aspire to just do things i like – not make some stupid plan, not hem and haw about if i’ll be good at it, not worry about how people will view me, or anything like that, but think “wow, that sounds fun,” and do it without thinking so much. maybe that’s a better subtitle. new years resolution: stop thinking.

seven, or more accurately eight, resolutions. i think that’s a good number. if i complete any of them, i should be proud of myself. while i’ve got a little bit of new years energy, that’s the message i’d leave to myself this time next year; it’s okay, it really is. 2020 you didn’t expect you to finish this list either. they’ll just be proud and mildly bewildered you survived another 365 days. i’m modest; that’s all i ask.

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